First, I moved circa mid-April. I went from a house in the woods to the lower floor of a duplex in the middle of the city. Well, not the middle — I’m not downtown but in a bustling commercial area filled with bars, restaurants, and white people. So, I was preoccupied with the move for awhile. For instance, before I’d even gotten all my stuff set up there were 4/20 things to take care of in which I ended up in someone’s apartment with two girls and a guy I’d just met. And I went to a bikini contest last week and cheered loudly (drunkenly) for nearly-naked babes and their wonderful booties — it’s not even summer! Oh, city life. You’re crazy sometimes.

But other than that, what’s been the problem? Well, CoD4 itself. Specifically, I’ve grown tired of the pub scene, and since I don’t have any desire to take it up competitively, that doesn’t leave me with many options. Not that I consider TWL or any ladder that advocates the usage of scrub mode competitive, but still. Someone does want to partner up with me for the Million Man LAN, so I suppose we’ll see what happens. The last LAN I went to I played UT2003 with a few friends if that’s any indication as to how much I don’t LAN. It just never seems like it’s worth the trouble. And with this sort of well-known LAN, I’m not guaranteed to bring home any prizes. Locally I’d probably dominate but this is different, obviously. But I guess you can get drunk and say stupid things that don’t get you laid to pretty girls anywhere, so it’d be worth the trip.

But onto CoD4! Its pub scene has become draining. It’s rare to see a good player (or even one I’d call decent) on one of the very few normal-mode servers anymore. Unless something goes terribly wrong (it happens), I generally steamroll the entire server — I played two games today and my scores were 60-8 and 83-11. While it is moderately entertaining to keep count of how many bad players I cause to rage-quit the server in any given game, it’s frustrating at the same time when I remember back to when this game had seemingly thousands of server choices.

The other day I ended up getting banned from one of the few decent servers left in this unappealing scrub-mode-laden landscape. The reason? I was doing too well. Usually when I rail on some server people just leave or call me a hacker, but in this case one of the negative-ratio neckbeards playing had admin access, so he kicked and banned me and a couple other people for either destroying everyone or having an annoying play style involving C4 and spamming LMGs through walls. Dumb. If you’re wondering, the server was called something along the lines of “A FRAGGN GOOD TIME.” The admins are easy to spot — they wear ROW| tags and they’re bad at the game.

In the end, the game is losing its appeal because I can be assured of a few things damn near every time I play.

• There won’t be many servers to play on (normal mode, 20 or less players).
• People will leave while I’m there. Maybe I’ll get in two decently populated games.
• I’ll probably be called a hacker.

So, like I said via text chat after the 83-11 game I mentioned above, “God, I need to find a new game. Nothing left in this one but terribads.” That is the crossroads I’m currently situated in. I need a new game to get pulled into. I have a few options, but unfortunately it takes a certain something for a game to grab my attention enough for me to play it for more than a week (or a month if it’s decent). That’s why I’ve been playing CoD4 for as long as I have — nothing has grabbed me since.

My options are limited but good, I think. I recently started playing Chrono Trigger (old school, bitches!) and I bought Left 4 Dead a few weeks ago, so that’s something. However, I haven’t played L4D a single time since it arrived. Perhaps the thought of having to actually talk to and work with other Internet people is turning me off to it; I’m used to silently lone-wolfing it and doing better than everyone. Then there’s TF2. I played it for a month a long time ago and then promptly lost any and all interest in it for some reason. It’s been updated a ton since then and is probably quite different, so I should give that one another shot.

Then there are RL™ games like D&D and Magic that I could pick up. My boss is a huge nerd (with a hot wife), so he’s into this sort of stuff and wants to be a dungeon master. I’ve never played these types of games, mainly because when I was exposed to them in middle/high school it was always a bunch of fat fuglies playing them, and I didn’t want to be like them. Now that I have proof that one can play these and still bang hotties, I’m more open to the idea.

The announcement of a new game has drawn up a lot of thoughts about things I don’t like about CoD4 or elements that I feel could easily be better if Infinity Ward would put even the tiniest bit of effort into making sure bugs and balance are dealt with properly. The game is full of good ideas, but I don’t think they ever got around to fully fleshing them out. There are plenty of things that if adjusted just a tad could have a big positive effect on the game, yet CoD4 has generally always proven to be fun regardless. Thus, it makes me wonder just how good the next one could be if they approach it thinking that CoD4 could be better — not that it was perfectly fine because of its popularity (see: Halo).

I have a bit of a propensity for lists (and wordiness), so I’m about to write one about several items I think need serious reconsideration for the next CoD. I realize that the odds of Infinity Ward doing any of these are pretty slim as what they provided in CoD4 was “good enough” to net millions of sales across all platforms. Because of the following issues I have, I wouldn’t call CoD4 “great” — it has too much that could change for the better for this to be true. I’d like to see the next CoD be a great (multiplayer) game by including the following:

Better and bigger maps. It’s painfully obvious that CoD4’s maps were built with a maximum of 16 players in mind (i.e. the maximum number that can play together via the consoles). The maps are simply too small and in many cases too linear. Since the PC version can theoretically run four times that many players, it’s extremely common for pubs to be far too overcrowded. About 20 players maximum is all these maps can handle even somewhat gracefully (they’re usually best with about 12), yet many servers run upward of 32 slots. This is ridiculous and in no way how the game was intended to be played. Matches with this many players devolve immediately into spawn camping festivals of failure and grenade spam. We need more f**king space to move around (at least on PC).

Better weapon balance. Ignore the nuances between the weapons themselves for a minute (though there are tons of problems there) and consider the macro differences between the weapon types. What’s the point of using a shotgun when you can go with a much more versatile submachine gun? Why go for a machine gun and take the movement penalty and the long sight and reload times when an assault rifle is more than sufficient and much easier to handle? Why pick up a sniper rifle when they’re far too picky, boast the lowest effective damage per second ratings, and are easily countered by just about anything given their slowness, requirement for precision, and the small maps? And let’s not forget that no weapon has a range limit; they can all instantly shoot an “infinite” distance. So many of the guns gimp you needlessly!

These are somewhat large existential problems that Infinity Ward has probably never considered; their goal was likely to hit some imaginary quota of guns that would keep the average player satisfied for awhile and leave it at that. But to everyone else all we’re left with is a handful of weapons that don’t suck in comparison to others because they actually offer something uniquely useful to the player. This keeps the overall experience from being as varied as it should be, not only in that you use the same few weapons all the time, but also that you get killed by those same few most of the time. For those who know better, the game is basically AK-47 vs. AK-74u vs. Desert Eagle with the M40A3 thrown in from time to time. Not cool, man. Oh, and while we’re at it, let’s tone down that grenade chucking distance, eh?

Better uniforms. Though I’m used to it by now, it’s still fairly annoying how well the Marines blend in on most maps compared to the dark “OMG, here I am!” uniforms of the OpFor. It’s honestly not fair at all when the ability to visually acquire a camping enemy player is determined simply by whether or not he was lucky enough to land on the Marine side. The SAS and Spetsnaz are pretty even, I guess, though the SAS has the advantage on darker maps, and it’s always annoying how ghillie suits are handed out at random on grassy maps. Either make everyone blend in or stick out to the same degree; it’s not that difficult. I’d prefer the “sticking out” option, of course, because I’m a run-and-gunner who despises campers who can’t do anything else. If anything CoD certainly doesn’t need more talentless campers; it’s got plenty already.

Better spawn system. You know, the dynamic spawn system was a good idea. The theory behind it is mainly to keep people from randomly spawning behind enemy lines fully armed. It does this successfully for the most part, but it’s certainly not perfect, and what sometimes keeps teams on the opposite sides of the maps often sticks them right next to one another. The end result, thanks in part to the small maps, is rampant spawn camping, and if you overcrowd such small maps, it’s almost guaranteed to “break” the spawn system and cause one team to get spawn camped indefinitely.

But why does spawn camping happen at all, especially with lower player counts? Well, it’s mostly a problem with bad players. You see, bad players don’t move. They spawn, they park their asses in a corner in or very near their spawn point, and they wait for someone to waltz into their sights. This wouldn’t be a problem except that CoD4’s spawn system judges team spawn points based on the “safest” player on your team — the one furthest away from an enemy and/or least likely to get shot by one in the next few moments. A lone worthless camper can literally have 100% control over your team’s spawn because he is “safe,” and this is where the problem arises. If your team gets surrounded and the bad players camp in your crappy now-surrounded spawn instead of trying to get out, you will all keep spawning there. Brilliant, eh?

Better air support system. I don’t feel like harping on this issue anymore, but I will say that it’s patently retarded how Infinity Ward handled this. Bonuses for players doing better never goes well in terms of gameplay. It’s called a positive feedback loop and only serves to let the good players dominate when they would usually just win. Why make it unnecessarily difficult for the players who are already losing? This only makes comebacks fucking impossible and it ruins the experience for everyone on the wrong end of the assault. There are many ways the developers could fix this, but at the very least, don’t let kills the player doesn’t even earn himself count as if he did. That is, air strikes and chopper kills should count solely as points as opposed to actual kills. The player didn’t do anything; don’t give him credit. And certainly don’t give him more air support when the air support did all the work!

A real hardcore mode. Currently, CoD4’s two modes are misnamed — while one should be called normal mode, the other is better suited as “I suck and need it to be easier to kill people” mode. If they want to keep such a low-health mode, that’s fine, but they should name it honestly. “Sudden death by random camper I didn’t see” mode would also fit. What I’d like to see is a mode that is actually hardcore — by definition it’d be one that is either more difficult than normal mode or more pure (or both). What I’m picturing is something along the lines of no HUD, no perks, no air support, and normal health (maybe slightly adjusted for Stopping Power-esque damage). This would make hardcore mode exemplify the very essence of the core gameplay without all the frills and silliness, and that would kick ass.

Better first/third-person syncing. I don’t know about you guys, but I am severely tired of being killed by people’s foreheads. By that I mean when the enemy can see and aim at me perfectly but all I can see of him is the top third of his head. I can’t even see his gun — it’s shooting into a wall from my perspective! — yet he can kill me just fine. It’s a simple issue, really — in first person you’re “taller” than you are in third person. That is, the player models do not accurately match up to the size and perspective of everyone’s first-person view. Not only is this super annoying but it adds more benefit to camping since my target (his camping forehead) is much smaller than his (my entire body), and given that CoD was never meant to be a camper game, it fucks up the gameplay to a noticeable degree. Could we at least see the dude’s entire head or something? Even though in reality we’d be able to see a good portion of his head, shoulders, gun, and possibly some upper torso. Sheesh. Everyone gives praises to Infinity Ward for their overall abilities but they sure do miss a lot of the “small” things.

Back at school I had this friend. We’ll call her Mia. Mia had a roommate her freshman year (my sophomore year) whom we’ll call Molly. I, of course, noticed immediately that Molly was very cute, but like most other cute/hot girls, I just as quickly stuck her up on the “you can’t have that” shelf. Holes in your self-confidence will do that to you.

And it made sense — Molly had a boyfriend from back home at the time. There was nothing I could do. Fast-forward to my junior year I’m becoming aware of Mia and Molly’s increased presence in my room. They never seemed to stick around, but they drop by for a bit on a frequent basis. Often they show up twice in a given day — once before going to do a thing and then once after. Sometimes they are quite drunk. Sometimes I instead find myself over in the their room watching movies.

More often than not I just happened to notice Molly liked to wear low-cut tops. Very low-cut. All the time it seemed. It was rare that I wasn’t greeted by gratuitous cleavage — enough to faceplant in — whenever she came around. There was one instance in particular where she wasn’t quite sober and I practically got a front-row seat to Boobtown as her shirt hung carelessly and loosely in all the right places.

This was all fine and dandy except that, well, she was off-limits. Cute, probably too cute for me, unavailable, and perpetually off with Mia to do things that didn’t involve me. She and Mia also hung out with this tall guy all the time; if anything I figured Molly would’ve liked him. Not only that but we didn’t talk that much; for the most part Molly was simply a friend of a friend. One who happened to enjoy showing off a large percentage of her breasts to strangers.

That’s just the thing, however. Not even two weeks ago I was told by Mia, in discussing how oblivious I am to things, that there was a very specific reason I was privy to Molly’s curves back then — she had been interested in me. She didn’t actually like showing herself off to strangers. I mean, she did, of course, because all girls do, but apparently the cleavage I saw frequently was specially tailored for me. Additionally, by the time the boobs were coming out around me she was boyfriendless.

I, of course, was oblivious to this because that’s how I am. And why wouldn’t I have been? Molly and I didn’t really talk, so we never hung out in any capacity, and, since my room always seemed to be an intermediary stop between other more important activities, I figured Mia was merely dragging Molly into my presence while she said hi. The two of them were frat party frequenters too, so surely the boobage was intended for someone else. It only made sense that this be case. To me, at least.

Upon hearing this claim of interest back then, I didn’t find myself getting happy at the thought. Rather, I became somewhat agitated over the ordeal. Why hadn’t Mia let me know this back then when it would have been very useful information? Even the slightest, most noncommittal hint — “I think Molly might kind of like you a little. Maybe.” — would have sufficed. As vague as that is it would have clued me in to pay a little more attention to Molly and the things she did. But the boobs should have been enough, right? Why would I need another hint when there is so much excess skin involved, right? Wrong!

On its own cleavage is never enough.

And that, my friends, is the ultimate issue. Girls love displaying their cleavage if they’ve got some display. It’s a normal, casual, everyday occurrence. And guys, growing up in a never-ending sea of half-covered breasts, learn early on not to give it too much mind. Look at them, sure, but don’t look at them. They’re there, acknowledge them, but don’t pay them much mind unless you want to get labeled a pervert.

And so I’m posed with a quandary. How the hell could Molly expect me to notice her supposed interest by merely adjusting herself for extra boobage before she saw me? It strikes me as illogical. Unless you’re doing something directly for or to a guy, no amount of cleavage says “I want you.” Flirting, for instance, is a very good way accentuate cleavage’s message. Without something extra involved, even the greatest of cleavage is most likely to say, “Hi. I have great breasts. Don’t you wish you could squeeze them? Too bad!” Because that’s pretty much what cleavage means to a guy when it’s on a random girl. Without proper accentuation, there is a fairly large jump in logic:

1. Cleavage.
2. ???
3. Making out, dry humping, and sex.

There must be a second step if the goal is to show you’re interested, dammit! And there wasn’t one with Molly! No flirting, no hanging out, no sexy eyes. Nothing. There simply has to be more than me going, “God damn, woman!” in my head whenever you come into my room with half your boobs showing. Especially when you feel unavailable and you’re about to head off to a party and rub your junk all other some other guy’s junk. Do you know how hot it would have been if she’d looked at me and then adjusted herself and looked back? That’s an effective second step! As is dragging me off to your little party and rubbing your junk on my junk.

Alas, I was never able to bridge the logical gap, so I never knew Molly was interested in me back then. And why would I? Guys are usually fairly logical about things even when there are boobs involved. I know it’s hard to believe, but even when faced with such seemingly unsurpassable obstacles, the logical wiring of our brains is still present. Thus, I never did anything with Molly even though the potential was there for greatness.

Sigh.

To be fair, I’m all for a little heated taunting so long as it’s kept to a manageable level. These things are allowed in youth baseball, for instance, so why shouldn’t they be around in gaming? It helps fuel the competition a little and makes it all the more satisfying when you finally take out that guy being a dick about his kill-death ratio.

Unfortunately, a lot people take it completely overboard and never shut the fuck up, and on the other side of the field some people take everything anyone says as a personal attack. For many, text or voice chat becomes nothing more than a mechanism to fuel their ego, even if such an ego is not deserved. For those who can’t ignore it, bad experiences with chatty egomaniacs can be a huge turnoff toward participating in online play.

The feeling of anonymity — of being released from responsibility and accountability — is what turns people into assholes online. You’d generally find a link to the relevant Penny Arcade comic here, so I won’t disappoint. Know, however, that UT2004 certainly wasn’t the first to prove that online dickishness has caused troubles, and it definitely won’t be the last. Apparently, the true name of this affliction is the online disinhibition effect.

There are two types of people that I hate to see in the same server with me — braggarts and accusers. In moderation neither poses a real threat to having fun, and I’ll admit to lashing out at times to vent some frustration, but unfortunately this is the Internet we’re talking about, and moderation is the last thing on people’s minds. The online gaming world is one without many boundaries. Unless an admin is present, there’s little anyone can do about those who are sucking the fun out of a game.

Probably the most annoying people you’ll find online are those who insist on saying something damn near every time they’re killed or take someone out. These are the braggarts — those with egos far larger than their skills mandate. Well, usually. Sometimes one of these guys will actually be good and will take much pleasure in putting down lesser players for no reason. Regardless of which you’re going up against, their vocabulary will mainly consist of “gay,” “faggot,” and “gay faggot.” They’ll boast when they get a kill but call “luck” or “hax” when they’re fragged. The best way to deal with them is to ignore them (if they’re better than you) or repeatedly kill them (if they’re worse than you). In the latter case they’ll probably leave after taking their lashings.

The second most annoying players are those that accuse others of hacking without evidence or reasoning. Because their skills are lacking, they don’t understand the depths of talent that others might possess. They clearly don’t comprehend that, yes, someone can be that good at the game without cheating. Or maybe they simply don’t want to comprehend it because that would mean accepting their own inabilities. Generally, these guys can be funny, but having to sit through their tirades about how much you hack can get tiresome, especially when people start spectating you to see if you do.

Being accused repeatedly is what happened to me yesterday and it prompted this post. First, a guy on my own team said “nice wallhax” when the game was done simply because my score was so high (81-15 Bog TDM). Never mind the fact that he, being a teammate, was never on the wrong end of my gun, so he hadn’t seen anything I was doing. The accusations escalated throughout the server, one guy changed his name to say that I was hacking, and pretty soon I had three members of the clan whose server I was on spectating me to check me out for hacks.

When this happens I get worried because, given the nature of CoD4, it’s hard to discern what is and what isn’t illegitimate. If you’re really good at gleaning information from both sound cues and the on-screen radar instantly, it can seem like wall hacks when you repeatedly know exactly where any potential threats are coming from. This is merely a problem with CoD4’s core gameplay, but it makes me worry every time I’m getting watched. There’s always a chance that those with the power to ban but of considerably less gaming skill don’t fully understand what’s possible if you simply pay attention to the clues the game gives you.

I’ve yet to wrongly feel the heat of the banhammer, but worry is always there whenever I get the feeling I’m being watched. What if they pay too much attention to how I’m mowing people down and missing all the mistakes? Given what happened today I feel it’s only a matter of time before I get banned from a server for no reason.