An Exercise in Spawn Rape

It’s been awhile, I know.

Let me apologize for this semi-great span of silence and offer a bit of an explanation. You see, when you meet a little hottie (literally; she’s 4′11″), talk to her, hang out with her, get drunk with her, and, um, do things with her, suddenly playing video games doesn’t seem so cool. And writing about them? Pfft! Talk about a one-way ticket to the bottom of my to-do list.

However, I realize that may be a bit of a cop-out, because, well, nothing on this site has been gaming-related since the first of the year. Whoops — my bad. I kind of fail at having a website, I guess. Still, the motivation disappeared, as it always seems to, and every time I got an urge to write for the site, I caved and did nothing related to it as usual.

So, let’s talk about CoD4 for a bit. That one’s the only game I’m playing at the moment (still), though I’ve gone from playing nearly every night to playing it whenever I feel like wasting some time. I still destroy everyone on most public servers, but the difference now is I don’t really care. And I’m serious when I say “destroy” — a 2:1 kill-death ratio feels bad to me now. And if I die more than about 15 times I get kind of pissed off. Heh. Yet I rarely say anything at all while I’m playing and instead sit back and laugh at all the idiocy. I don’t even bother saying “gg” anymore because I simply don’t care.

One topic I enjoy particularly is that of spawn rape/killing. Specifically, I like it when people whine about it as if it’s not a big part of the game or a legitimate tactic. To the whiners it’s never the game’s fault that spawn rape is occurring — the other players are just choosing to be dicks. Unfortunately for the whiners, this isn’t true at all. CoD4 is simply not designed that well.

There are a few issues at play here that cause gametypes like TDM to be nothing more than back-and-forth spawn killing.

• The spawn system sucks.
• The air support system sucks.
• The maps are generally too small. And they probably suck too.
• Oh, and there’s so much ammo going around that you never have to back off. Which sucks, of course!

Putting these things together means that CoD4 is very streaky. Those who are doing well generally continue to do well, often throughout the entire duration of the match. The game doesn’t do a whole lot to quell it or reverse the momentum, so things usually wind down to the team in the lead doing a lot of spawn killing to the poor saps who are losing.

All the same, whining about spawn killing is pointless, because when you do get out and get the tables turned, you’ll be doing the exact same thing to them. That’s all TDM is. And not only that, but in CoD4 (and similar games), you freaking spawn fully armed! If you want to see the true meaning of spawn rape, try playing a real FPS game that requires a little talent to be decent at like UT or Quake. Not only is the momentum of the winning player(s) there, but when you die you spawn practically empty-handed.

Still, I ought to give some quick but sage advice on how to stop spawn rape from happening to you and your teammates. Carry it with you into the next Infinity Ward CoD game because odds are you’ll have to deal with the same stupid design choices.

1. Don’t camp in your spawn. All you’re going to do is keep your team spawning in the same shit location. Move your arse; otherwise it’s entirely your fault your team is getting fucked.
2. When being spawn killed, the goal is merely to get out, not to murder the entire enemy team on the way out. Don’t go after the enemies; just try to find an out. Kill them only when they’re in the way.
3. Smoke, stun, and frag grenades are a great help to giving you that out. Spam them if need be. The idea is either to conceal your dash to safety or to keep the enemies at bay long enough to escape.
4. Don’t try to be sneaky. Just haul ass. Use cover intelligently. Spray-and-pray to get people to back off. Get from wherever you are to anywhere that’s not so shitty, and do it as quickly as possible.

These might not work all the time and under all circumstances — for instance, overcrowded servers offer worse gameplay and are even more spawn-rape friendly — but in general you should do alright without having to be some über player who headshots every spawn camper as he exits the area.

If things are going to hell, feel free to simply disconnect and find a new server. As I said above, CoD4 doesn’t do a whole lot to help prevent spawn rape (aside from giving you all the tools and weapons you need at spawn), so it’s entirely possible that under the constant barrage of air strikes and choppers that you simply can’t do anything about it. Luckily, the game is still popular enough that you’ll never have trouble finding another place to play. Dip out and find an ongoing game that’s more fun. Games are supposed to be fun, remember?

No one ever said you had to stick around and see a terrible match through to its end. And in a pub environment, that’s actually kind of stupid.